and why we choose karmic relationships
A couple of years ago I was listening to a web-cast by Doreen Virtue. She was mentioning how light-workers often experience great challenges with prosperity because they have taken oaths of poverty in earlier lives as nuns, monks or other kinds of religious persons.
Immediately when I heard her saying that, I burst into a self-ironic, resigned laugh. "Oath of poverty, me?! Nooo...neeever...!!" However, within a few seconds, my laugh turned into deep sobs vibrating through my whole body, and as tears streamed down my cheeks, a very vivid scene rolled in front of my eyes.
I saw and felt myself - so vividly and completely emotionally - sitting at the back of a wooden wagon, moving away from a small cottage I knew was my home. I was about 4 years old, I was holding my well-worn, beloved doll, and my father was sitting up front with his back to me. I knew I was never going to see my home or my brother again. I knew my mother was grieving desperately. I knew this was all my fathers doing, as he had succumbed to the pressure from the village and his own fears and religious beliefs.
I knew I was in France. I knew it was happening in the 1800 century. I had been made the scapegoat of the village when hard times came, because of my red hair and also the cleft lip that I even was born with in my present life. My mother had loved me and tried to protect me, but failed to be able to continue holding her hand over me as she had given birth to a still-born baby in my fourth year. The grief and rage of my father had known only one outlet; Tearing me away from my mom and take me to the convent to leave me with the sisters there.
Living in a Cult
To add to the background of my present life, I must explain to those of you that don't know me, that I grew up a fundamental, born-again christian. As I was born very spiritual and never found myself satisfied with the teachings of my childhood, later on in life I chose to take it even further, and left my family, job and flat, to join a christian fundamental church, or “Bible-school”, in Sweden.
It took a while for me to realize that it actually was a cult, and it took me an additional couple of years to extricate myself completely and find solid ground again. As I so did, I realized that everything I believed so fiercely in, had been handed to me from other people. I had consistently been taught not to trust my own experiences and feelings - and in addition learnt that the devil very specifically and actively was seeking to deceive me and destroy my life.
On having learnt how NOT to trust yourself
The fruits of distrusting my own navigation-system and instead believing what others had told me, had led me to severe depression, anxiety and complete exhaustion. I was unhappy, scared and bewildered, but
looking back, though, I could see that my instincts and reactions in the cult and beyond, had been completely trustworthy
I had indeed seen what was coming - I had felt what was wrong even before things had happened, but I had just chosen to believe the christian authority over myself.
At this point in my life I had nothing to lose, and this little, unquenchable voice inside, told me to go in the opposite direction. From now on, I would only listening to what I saw, heard and felt for myself. I would only trust what was real to me! And even though I had been taught that the notion of reincarnation was from the devil - leading us to think that there actually were second chances after death (Oh, the horror! Grace? No way! We don't want people to believe that!) - here I was, suddenly re-living this extremely lucid and convincing previous life.
Living in a cult. Wow. There was a theme here, wasn't there? Were there perhaps other reasons than me being a seeker, that had led me back here again?
I suddenly remember how a friend of mine energetically had seen this very thick, black mass of something that looked like cables, portruding from my back once when healing me. She had seen how those cables held me back in the "system", and how I needed to dissolve them to be completely free. I now realized that these cables not only stemmed from my upbringing and life in the cult, but even from previous lives.
No wonder they were so solid and black! There were serious energies at work here. And now was the time to let it go. For good.