If you are an intuitive, empath and even clairvoyant, you know how important it is to not only listen to, but to actively train and cultivate your intuition. And after having cultivated, grown and used that gift for a while, it still happens that we completely dodge it and fall in in a big way. Why? We know so well the importance of this voice, some of us even live off it, and still it happens that we make dumb mistakes and stupid choices that can seriously damage our selves and our lives.
I have found that it is mostly in one particular area that we are particularly prone to succumb to intuition-ignorance.
And this area is called guilt.
Yap. There you have it.
Let me tell you a story
I had this good friend and client that I had this karmic relationship with. At times we were great – good fun, learning together and enjoying times with our families. At other times, communications were cut off as we both withdrew to heal and collect our wits again. There was great love and great pain. Like signifies any karmic relationship.
This time where my story begins, she was down on hard times mainly due to her marriage ending and the pain paralyzing her. I really felt for her. She came to me for advice and healing from time to time, and expressed immense gratitude for the clarity that appeared and the pain that even physically left her body when we worked together. It was such a pleasure and privilege to be able to stand by and assist her finding her way through the fog again.
Shortly after such a respite, she turned around and became very angry with me. I knew she was hurting tremendously, and I wracked my brains on how I could help her further. As the times were, though, I had my own plate completely full, and knew and tried consciously to free myself of the co-dependent role I had previously battled and won. I simply did not have enough energy at this this time to share it around.
And I managed.
I was able to prioritize and focus on my own and family's life, and my life was entering a completely new phase of glory. Initiation anyone?! Yes, I now realize it was. I had met a pattern of challenge and managed to chose differently and better. And I made the right choice for myself. I managed to put myself at the head of my own life – a must for succeeding any challenge.
Initiations are actually energy portals
Times of stepping into challenge-patterns where you now have the possibility to choose differently. They are places of growth and expansion, places that mark a before and after kind of experience. Now looking back at it, of course it seems very clear cut and simple. But standing in the middle of pain, guilt and broken friendships, is anything but.
I still felt bad.
I knew with my head that I had done the right thing, and had the life to prove it, but my feelings of guilt were constantly at the back of my mind. And my friend was still angry with me.
So some time after when the opportunity came to help her again, I jumped at it both feet without thinking too much. In fact, I probably knew that if I had sat down to think about it, I would have known that she wasn't ready. I would have discovered that I was acting from the wrong reasons, as nothing in the way she related to life or to me, said she had taken back her life or responsibility.
If I had just sat down to feel into the situation...
I would have known that inside me there was a little girl wanting her friend not to be angry with her anymore, and that this was a feeling that was messing with my head. But this is where I instead decided that my intuition that was waving all its red flags at me, ringing the bells and blowing all the whistles, was not as important as the guilt I felt about my friend being angry with me. So at this point, I gave her a string of attachment to I didn't need in my life. And she used it.
Isn't it amazing how we so often seem to choose guilt over intuition? And you know what? She still was angry at me after I helped her. In fact, it seemed like she got even angrier at me and sought for every reason to pull at that string of attachment I unwillingly had fed her.
If someone is angry with you – they won't STOP being angry with you because you do something for them.
So when at the second cross-roads I made a not so clever choice, I basically welcomed a flood of pain, confusion and disruption into our life. Everything else in my life after that first energy-portal had been so effortless and synchronistic – there was times of doubt and frustrations, sure – but the Universe had echoed my new-found decision to be the mistress of my own destiny with blessings parading through my life from that decision. It was such a tremendously rewarding and beautiful year.
The truth is that guilt never leads to anything good
It is not a feeling bearing fruits of love and peace. Clarity and wisdom, sure, but those qualities can come from other and less painful experiences, I believe. Guilt is a very powerful emotion, though, mostly due to the fact that it is a very covert one. Mostly you are not even realizing that you are harboring guilt, and often you are, believe it or not – feeling guilty about feeling guilty. Complexity anyone?!
The firsts step to dealing with guilt, therefore is realizing, acknowledging and owning it. Only when you clearly know and see it for what it is, you can avoid acting on it. Getting rid of the feeling altogether can be a longer process that involves healing and tons of self-love. Self-love that includes you knowing and accepting that you can't help everyone at all times, and firstly that that's completely OK, and secondly knowing that it isn't even GOOD for that other person if you could.
The realization of the reason behind my second choice and actions at this particular time, hit me like a punch in the stomach when I sat down to ask myself why this stress and pain had entered my life just now. Oooh...! I hadn't only helped her because I wanted to help her and that I felt sorry for her. I had actually helped her because subconsciously I agreed with her in feeling that I was to blame for being better off than her, guilty for being in a good and expanding place, and for leaving her to have her own experience of growth at this time.
The web of a Self-proclaimed victim
is so hard to dodge because it plays on your deepest and often not even realized feelings of not-being-enough, of shame and guilt. And ouch, it sure is sticky, that web. So please, use your clear-seeing goggles and know in your heart that
it is OK for you to prioritize yourself and your own life
And that guilt often is there for no other reason that it being put there by others, which means that you can either accept it or deny it. As you do with any gift ;)
And I will now allow myself to choose another kind of gift. A gift given in freedom.
A gift that feels and tastes good for both parties.