Life is definitely getting easier and calmer for me these days. Softer. The transition from a moral child-soldier to a mature woman loving and accepting myself is the only reason and fundament for this improvement.
I have always been a person that just desperately wanted to KNOW how things worked – how the universe, myself and others danced the cosmic dance, you know. I just NEEDED to know! From the seeds of self-improvement were planted within my tender girl-soul at an early age through christianity, I desperately wanted to improve. Do good. Be better. BE good!
I never was one for self-restraint and playing it safe
When I did (and do!) something, I always went ALL IN! And as I grew up, this journey of self-improvement continued through other but still related modalities, reaching a pivotal point at age 24 where I entered my first severe depression. Life as I knew it crashed as my first boyfriend broke up with me. I visited my first psychologist, and started seeing him regularly. Life progressed, and so did my depressions, and I hit another bottom when I found myself as a single-parent with my baby-girl in a new country at 28.
A friend then introduced me to a new church filled with loving, young, idealistic people, and I soon started having my first spiritual experiences that totally blew me away. AND I felt such love.
I knew I was loved.
Felt it, heard it, saw it.
But it just encouraged me to want to do and be even better.
So the unstoppable spiral of self-improvement just speeded up
compelling me to moving to another country yet again, giving up my job, my apartment and network to live in a caravan for several months with my now 7-year-old daughter because I just knew I HAD to attend this Bible-school in Sweden. They promised me I would be healed. And I believed them. So much that I gave up my (and my daughters) life to be there for a year.
Or so I thought.
It took me a few years to realize I had entered a sect. All my red flags were flapping in the wind, but the emotional, mental, spiritual, social and financial exhaustion that had hit me, made it so much more difficult for me to understand what was going on!
I was in such pain in all levels of my life, but
the more pain I felt, the more desperately I threw myself into every healing modality that was offered in the sect.
I was on the receiving end of actual exorcisms, denying the devil and asking forgiveness for having betrayed and inflicted pain on this imaginary god that expected repentance, remorse and sanctification from me.
The saving grace
(and they are always there for you to choose! ALWAYS!) was that I found my husband in my second year there. We spoke incessantly prolonged hours on the phone the first months, and he introduced the idea of the map not fitting the terrain I was actually walking and living. In a way, just that idea gave such relief to me, as I got an actual explanation to what was happening to me! I tried so hard, so fiercely, to make my terrain fit that blasted map they gave me in the Bible-school!!
We married after 3 months, and I moved away from the sect, but it still took some time for me to completely abandon the teachings and processes started in me in the sect. I was completely exhausted, and needed to put my feet on solid ground again after having battled storms in my tiny boat for two very long, harrowing years.
I had found love again
It was rough on me, though. To accept that complete, adoring, faithful love of myself after two years of daily reminders that I was indeed sinful and in need of complete personal correction. My self-hatred now needed some time to adjust to accept the opposite.
And it did.
When I found nature, life without sin, repentance, eternity and death again. And I had a brief respite where I just tried to be.
Not because I had lost my curiosity of finding the answer to life's grand questions or ways to heal, but because I literally would have died if I didn't chill the heck down in the improvement department.
But as life returned, so did my quest for healing and betterment
Issue after issue surfaced, and even though my methods for healing were so much gentler and natural, yes even human, it was still a quest for progress and growth. I guess there's just no other way for me!
Fast forward till the other day. After an agonizing night trying to get a screaming child falling asleep, I felt my self-hatred surface again. I always seem to blame ME for the pain I experience and the problems I meet! I cried tears of frustration and pity as my child entered an out-burst of overwhelm prior to falling asleep. And when I later read about Chiron – the planet of the Wounded Healer – entering our sphere at this exact time, a light went off in my head, thinking "OK, now it's time to deal with the issue of woundedness and self-hatred once and for all!".
And in a way I was right
When I was a christian, a friend of mine used a picture to explain a phase of extreme asceticism he just had been through. He said to me: ”You know, I thought I was fighting the Devil in front of me, fighting the good fight of defeating him, but after a while I realized he was instead at my back, pushing me to FIGHT! Tricking me into fighting a never-ending battle no-one was to win!”
Well, this is exactly what I during the next days realized too! I thought I was fighting my self-hatred, but suddenly realized it was my self-hatred that was pushing me to fight! It was my self-hatred that had mercilessly driven me my whole life, and it was still at its game. Pretending it was a good fight instead of a never-ending story of pain. (And in light of the Law of attraction – when was it EVER a good idea to search for wounds even if my intention was to have them healed?!)
But the only thing I actually had to do?
Stop doing it, and instead love myself.
Stop fighting and realize that all I needed was love.
Yeah, you know the thing I tend to preach to others and indeed know with my mind?!
I spoke to my husband about it, and at some point in our conversation he exclaimed: ”Enough with the wound already!” I burst out laughing, a relieved, self-ironic kind of laugh that nonetheless sent the truth down into my body.
Enough with the wound already!
YES! No-one had fought harder than me. More sincere than me. I had god-damn it, spent the better part of 47 years trying to improve, heal and better myself!
When was it ever going to end?
When would I ever think I was good enough? That now I was, perhaps not perfect, but just plain good enough?
I realized that without me totally waking up from this haze of that metaphoric devil pushing me from behind, I would never, ever come to that conclusion. But that my eyes were now opened, I had recognized that familiar face masked as Self-improvement, and now it was time.
Time to take that final step into self-reliance
Into - dare I say it? Self-love!
And so I did.
With tears of gratefulness and truth shaking my body, I decided with both my heart and mind – enough is enough.
I am good enough!
Enough with the wound already.