You can read Part 1. here
I was that girl.
I was that girl! That girl that was that different that experienced intercessors and pastors gave up on her.
This was how powerful I was.
They couldn't help me.
They couldn't break me.
They couldn't fix me.
I was that girl.
And it was a great thing. A thing to be proud and infinitely thankful for.
A thing to be considered as a measure of my inner strength and resilience; Not the deep hopelessness and shame it used to be.
I suddenly understood that now. With my head. But my heart and emotions were still wounded. Were aching and swaying in the winds of life like brittle leafs in autumn waiting to fall into their death.
So the return to myself continued
The return to purpose, healing and coming back to myself.
Coming back to the earth.
I tried to shut off the supernatural, the transcendent and spiritual as they had rendered my life shifty and split. I needed to find something copiously solid to hold on to - not a religious system whose maps never fit the actual ground I was walking.
Something I could trust to respond impartially to my hands and feet touching them every day no matter my belief and emotions.
Something that responded to the aching heart of mine longing for home. Longing to belong and hold on to.
So I started exploring nature. In a different way. With new eyes and an open heart. And in listening to my heart and going back to myself, I re-discovered myself as a pure human being living on our mother Gaia, as opposed to living only for my spirituality with my head in the clouds.
I started learning to respect and love the cycles
our lives consist of.
The moons cycle, the seasons, the wheel of year, the wheel of life, the different ages of a human being...
It turned out these are the only boundaries and security I needed.
I discovered that all other boundaries, rules, laws or principles are made to soothe our fears. So I started working on releasing them one by one.
So I often found myself under the open sky, beside our Lilac-bushes, with a bottle of two of natural and essential oils, connecting with nature, letting that soothing, peaceful energy of mother earth run through and around me.
Bathing in the silvery full moon rays, sighing in relief under the dark blaze of the new moon.
Reaching out and taking in - the slow expansion and decrease - the in- and exhale of nature, yes life itself.
Ah, and the darkness
That which I had been taught to fear above all.
It became my friend.
Both outside and inside.
I opened my eyes and looked at it, befriended it and welcomed it. I sat with it and slowly started interacting with it. And it wasn't even scary most of the time. I realized this was another lie religion had taught me. The need for separation. Setting ourselves apart and looking down on and fearing darkness.
That which is our mother - that which is our rest, our nights of growth and understanding! That which becomes deeper the loftier and lighter I try to become.
Oh, silly humans.
Look at the shadow - the brighter you try to crank up the light, the deeper becomes the darkness. And it is good. It is natural. It is like it is created and meant to be.
And as I played with my oils
the essences and devas, the life-patterns of the plants, rocks and elements I worked with, miracles happened. While I was turned inwards and re-adapted myself to natural life, while I let go of the battle, the strife and desperation of trying to annihilate my darkness, life became smoother. More bearable. Safer and grounded.
I became human yet again.
My Soul and heart sighed deep breaths of relief, remorse and forgiveness.
Of coming home.
The light in me welcomed my shadow. Kissed its forehead and took its hand. I anointed it with layer on layer of essences of heavenly constellations, plant medicine and earthly energies.
And finally, after 40-something years
I could let my Shadow, my Little Line, enter and meld with me and be carried in my heart for good. It was an integration worthy of celebration. It was the final home-coming and healing. It was the victory of the forsaken, condemned and cast aside.
I was that girl too.
And I re-discovered Love
I re-discovered Line.
The love that told me to wait for her.
To have patience and don't push anything.
The love that told me that my life and happiness counted more than the satisfaction and celebration of other people. Of groups and systems that had told me so long that I was helpless and unable to find my way on my own.
I was that girl now.
The girl that had proven them wrong.
The girl whose scraped, wobbly legs and trembling heart had taken her home regardless.
And love was there waiting for her.