An initiation and passage into the unknown
It was apparent that it was some kind of initiation-process going on.
Not a test. (Oh, god, no, not a test!)
This was something deeper.
Something initiated by my Soul and Heart. A process needed for my Self and Heart to expand and thrive. Something needed for the True Path of my Passion and Big Vision to enfold.
There were so many goodbyes happening.
So many familiar signs and walls appearing out of nowhere.
I was saying goodbye to our family home of ten years. The home where we started our family, spent the first 10 years of our marriage in, the first home we bought and lived in together.
We had loved it there
We had spent 10 years in glory, in grief, in passion, in love; In the deep mysteries of Soulmate flowering, adulthood and nesting.
This was also where we said goodbye to our childhood faith and left the sect of our grown up years.
This was also where we had fought the other battle of our lives that had nearly taken us out altogether; The brutal battle of my husbands custody trial for his 4 children. Our children. I loved them. And we lost them. Completely.
But this was also the home whose garden and nature Spirits had met me and started our collaboration and creation of Sacred oils.
This beautiful, effortless and healing process that within three years had taken me out of my severe depression and exhaustion and into a flowering Sacred business.
This was the home where we set up our music studio and started composing for a grand audience. Where we finally received regular and solid payment to get played in TV. Where our dreams met reality and blossomed into a thriving business.
For a while
But that is another story leading to another goodbye.
Now it was time to say goodbye to that too.
Goodbye to the sanctity of our home - our Avalon House- to open ourselves to the World; to our Grand Vision and that Next step.
I was also saying a sorts of goodbye to my Oldest daughter.
She graduated with flair and excitement, and left for Denmark for her first job and a reuniting with her birth-country she had longed to get back to for for 10 years.
My nest wasn't empty
Just tidier, less noisy and more spacious.
I missed her.
And I both missed and cherished my son not being a baby anymore. Here he was finishing daycare and about to start school.
Friendships that had lasted decades and been with me through hell, foreign countries and back again, seemed empty, strained and itchy now, and left me at loss as to what to do.
I felt that powerful glue of memories - but surely glue wasn't all I wanted my relationships to be about? Or memories?
But there was love. Definately love. I forgot about that.
There were so many shells being cracked open, left, too thin, small
or just unfit for what I was to experience.
I was also saying goodbye to my severe depression of the last three years. The one that crippled me so severely that my doctor signed papers saying that he did not think I ever would be able to work again.
And I finally said goodbye to the surviving game that had kept me petrified for the last 20-something years.
If I wasn't occupied with plain surviving - what did I want to do then?
If I didn't have to strive to live - WHO was I then?
If I wasn't a warrior - what then?
I felt like I had no other real identity now. This was all I had ever done, and done so well.
I had explored no other terrain than the war-ridden fields of surviving.
All other grounds were virgin territory
But now I was to enter them all.
Through this gate of initiation.
I had made this terrific, inspired and beautiful program called the "Manifesting Goddess". I had created the total content, website and graphics on my own, as well as the three Sacred oils forming the fundament of the three week long entering into the healing space of Abundance.
I had poured my Heart into it.
My creativity, my channeled wisdom, my beauty and utmost Soul.
It was me.
Me in a nutshell.
I launched and promoted the program on auspicious dates, received info about how many was to enter, made all the right moves, and then, nothing.....
Well, almost none of my expectations, dreams and hopes for it manifested. All the signs and downloads and messages and grids and empowering channeled energy....and then - this?
I managed to keep much calmer than I have been used to.
I actually surrendered
I managed to speak to my frightened Ego and tell it everything was OK, and just as it should be.
Held my horses.
When the last hour of the enrollment passed, and none of my beautiful Miracles happened.
When everything seemed too late, lost and over.
When I exhausted and defied went to bed early to sleep, I let the tears come and the disappointment well over.
And then, *auch* that familiar stab of anger and self-hatred was there Again.
It had been so long!
But I had also learnt to stay well away from expectations and large Projects.
And now here I was eying a long process of dreams and hopes and visions turning into another Space of void, pain, rejection and feeling lost.
What was really going on?
Had I really learnt nothing all these years?
Was I still unknowingly standing in the wilderness with nothing to rely on?
At least I knew for a fact there was no solution or consolation in going with the anger and self-loathing.
I kept thinking about that Little girl
The girl I used to force into situations of fear, punishment and duty. And suddenly I remembered a life-changing oath I had taken just a few months ago in my magical hut in the garden.
I had promised to love myself.
I had married myself in holy sacri-mony.
Had promised to be faithful to myself, to remain loving, supporting and patient with all those areas I used to call dark.
Those areas I had been taught to loathe, ban, exorcise and exile.
I didn't see them as my demons anymore. I just saw that Little frightened, misunderstood warrior-girl.
I remembered that I had to love her. I had made a promise more important than any promise I had ever done in my life.
Oh, I suddenly remembered.
My Heart fluttered, and I knew that this was The Initiation that all recent happenings and actions had been steering me towards.
Was I true to myself?
Did I remember?
And with relief and compassion, I realized that all initiations really is about this; The Soul learning to take care of the body.
The Higher Self, with compassion, knowing and love taking care of the Ego.
I had already understood the true nature of the Ego
That is was the earthy governor of the body and earthly journey. But this epiphany was something else; This was a shift in my perception - even of my paradigm - and an explanation of why most religions and New-age'y methods and theories went wrong.
Where they all joined hands and sung Kumbayah while they completely missed the show happening behind their backs.
It isn't about ignoring and submitting the Ego to the Spirit.
It's all about the Soul realizing that the Ego and body is good, divine
and just as worthy as itself!
It's about taking out the pride and putting in compassion and love with those areas we snobbishly call denser and of lower vibrations.
And I say it Again; It's not about ascension; it's about the descent!
The journey into the underground.
The journey into 3D.
When will we ever learn???
My Little Line.
I took her up in my arms and cried tears of relief with her.
And asked for her forgiveness that I had forgotten my most-important-promise-ever. Again.
And I told myself that I would buy a ring. So that I could see it on my hand every day and remember. That promise. That paradigm shifting.
And like that- I went through that gate of initiation
Into the promised land.
The land that spills over with Milk and Honey.
The virgin territory of Peace, of coming home and of quantum solace.
Me and my little girl.
Hand in hand.