For most of my life, I have been involved in some kind of self-improvement practices. It started by me growing up in a born-again christian home. Being taught that I was sinful by nature and that by just being ME I was actually responsible for the death of God's son, didn't do much for my self-worth and love, let me tell you that.
So my life-long war with myself started. Back then we called in sanctification (oh, just the word of it makes my shiver). Today - most people call it ascension. I am by no means an average Jane. I have always made it a point to be faster, go further, deeper and wider. Not because I wanted to better than other people, but because I had no patience for the road. The journey. I wanted to get at the GOAL like yesterday. And that wasn't really fast enough either, from time to time.
I now know what drove me was my inner demons. Back then - we thought they were real. I have suffered quite a few actual exorcisms - been lying on the floor in a heap crying, shaking and thinking the demons had the better of me. And so did my intercessors, by the way. A few of them actually gave up. Speaking sternly to me and my demons that I needed to confess, repent and ask for forgiveness before they could truly set me free.
Today - I use the phrase inner demons lightly. I know and love them, and I see them as my unloved, unaccepted inner child. The parts of me I was ashamed of, loathed, and fought. The parts of me I for most part just plain didn't understand! The parts of me that other people told me were sinful. The stuff that killed Jesus, you know. How could I love those parts? No, I took up my sword and try to slay them - drive them away and annihilate them.
Only it was myself I did all that to
I tried to slay myself.
Drive myself away by power, might and the holy word of the bible.
And all I got was further away from myself. All I got was more self-hatred and deep pain. The schism between who I thought I should be and who I was, was endless and I the more I fought the wider the schism became.
Till the point came where I had to choose between living and dying. I was more dead than alive and my life, family and self was suffering great amounts. And since I had been trying so intensely and copiously for my entire life to do what others told me was right, I had to try the other way around. It was the only way I saw. The only thing I hadn't tried.
So over the ridge of that small boat on the stormy sea, went everything I had learnt, loved and dutifully tried to implement in my life.
Every truth I had built my life on, every smidgen of belief, faith, hope and principles that had not worked out in my life. That had failed so miserable in making me happy, healed and fulfilled. Over the ridge they went. With a big splash.
And boy, was the boat lighter!!
I wowed that from now on, I would only accept as truth what I had personally experienced and felt and seen to be true in my own life.
Ended was the days of trying to make the terrain fit the map I was given by others.
I would make myself a brand new map after my own path. Carefully note down every landmark I saw with my inner and outer eyes.
To tell you the truth, at first it felt lonely. Bewildering. I was questioning if I could really do this alone. Nobody had told me I could. I was just driven there by 40-something years of trying and failing. Were all those well-meaning, clever, by god installed people wrong? Was I actually going to be able to make it all by myself?
My first decision was to come back to earth
For so long I had aspired to be something more like an angel than a human being. Without ego, without drive, without harshness, anger and pain. Oh, that pain. What had I done when it reared it's hard-to-miss head time after time? I had tried to get help from people that claimed they knew the way - and every single time gotten the same answer. Not in so many words, but the meaning was plain and very clear; It certainly wasn't god that didn't want to, could, or did help me.
So it had to be me.
It had to be me.
That missing link.
That failing link
The link that made the almighty god miss his purpose of sanctifying me.
The link that made the almighty, all-loving saviour impotent and powerless to perform and fulfill his miracles.
I was that bad?
I was that sinful? That powerful? Like - stopping the god that created the universe from doing the only thing he really wanted to do?
So I decided to turn that negation into a plus.
I was that powerful!
I was that girl! That different girl that experienced intercessors and pastors gave up on. This was how powerful I was. They simply didn't get me. They couldn't help me. They couldn't break me. They couldn't fix me.
I was that girl.
Read part 2. here