Suddenly it feels like I'm alive again.
I've been so dead. So un-alive. So deeply buried in a life-drama that was all about suffering, enacting spirituality and dying to the world. Dying to all that was me.
And now - waking up at the other end of that darned tunnel - what was I really doing?
Why was I cooped up in there, trying to avoid life, trying to avoid living the good life and letting in sunshine and all those juicey complicated and real details of my life?
I know I didn't mean to.
I now I didn't really want to.
I know I just tried too darned hard.
I waited for too long.
I tried too many options out in my head till I couldn't choose any more.
Till I was all mixed up and confused and tired and just far too scared to make any real choices or changes.
But now - this day - waking up and FEELING life again!
Looking out the window and hearing those birds - seeing that sky and feeling the blood surging through my veins - it's going to end good, all this.
All this suffering, sacrifice, spirituality, death and serious business just all trying too hard to kill all spontaneity, fun and juice out of life.
I want to travel again. And not just thinking about all the energy it takes just to pack a suitcase....and then giving up. Really travel. Kissing in a new room- a room that's in a totally foreign country and culture - a totally new kind of room with all kinds of windows looking out on a vastly different world.
I want to wake up in a new room. Put my bare feet on a new kind of carpet in a fresh house where nobody stayed that was caged in with crippling depression for 10 years or so.
I want to draw back new curtains - to a new kind of life.
So see life into its eyes and just know that we are on the same side, the two of us. You are not there trying to mess things up for us - getting us to sacrifice and suffer - and I am not here trying to understand and be wise and making all kinds of perfect choices.
No. I'm here again now.
Like a jack in the box for the upteenth time banging my head up through that roof - that glass roof - but only this time I'm not getting under again. Not for long. I'm not going to live in that box any more just because life's draining every last suck of breath out of me and everything's just so damned hard and desperate and filled with sorrow. No. uh-uh. That's not me any more.
Because one day - maybe it was today, maybe it was ten lifetimes ago - I woke up and the words in my head materialized and became REAL to me. You know all those beautiful words of wisdom and clichè's and small-talk you KNOW in your head is true, but they still don't have any VALUE to you yet? You know those? Today one of the most important ones broke into me. Pulled me over, looked into my eyes steadily and got to me.
I heard myself telling my grown-up daughter that stop being the victim, and just DO that which you want to! Yes, simple and cliché like that. Stop LISTENING to all those obstacles! Because really, REALLY, they are not real, in the right sense of that word.
They are just that...obstacles. You know what that means? Yes, that kind of thing you either step over, drive through, just bend, or not care anything about. Those things that you thank for bringing opportunities of learning to you - and skip over. SKIP over.
So that's what I know now.
That my body is with me again.
I have the energy.
That I am letting my body breathe again because I let sorrow go. Victim go. Depression go.
I know what is real.
I know what I need to do to feed this energy, most of all!
And that the feeding is not happening here this place where I have been for all those last many years.
This jack is out of that box.