Love trumps the system
I used to get very angry when people claimed that being sensitive was a gift.
Angry because of course people never knew how it was like to be ME and have the kind of sensitivity I have. Angry because I felt my sensitivity destroyed me. It created havoc and so much pain in my life, and I wasn't able to live a normal life because of it. So - gift, huh?!! My a*s!!
It took me years of therapy, studies, healing and soul-searching to reach a phase where I just decided I needed to LOVE myself. Quit judging myself on everything I did, didn't do, felt (!!BIG one), thought and contemplated doing...Yes, I was judging and comparing and seeing the shortcomings in just about every thing I did and ever was.
Recognize that voice in your head too?
Telling you that you SHOULD have done better? Been able to handle that situation way better? Provide more, better and more consistently to your kids? Family? Partner? Society? And yourself?! (by exercising more, eating better, sleeping more, affirming more, meditating more, reading more???!) The list never seemed to end. Neither did my self-judgement.
I came to a point (after 46 years, mind you! You may be lucky to reach it earlier, for me it was a life-long journey just to get there) where I realized that the person Line I knew was a product of everything I had held down, tried to suppress, direct, shape and color because of all I had learnt from OTHERS during my lifetime. The impulse to judge and instantly re-direct just about every feeling, thought and action I ever had, had become my second nature. The Line that existed as a result of that; the PRODUCT of that life-long behavior....made me curious. And that woman I never saw?!
WHO WAS that woman?
Did I know her at all? And exactly HOW much of me never reached the light of day, only to be kept in the subconscious of my mind? (and WHAT did she do there? What havoc did she cause as a result of never being heard, seen or validated??!) WHO WOULD I BE IF I STARTED TO ACCEPT EVERY PART OF ME????? What would I feel like if I decided that every part of me was welcome, lovable and accepted????!!! These thoughts started rummaging my mind more or less constantly till I decided that enough was enough.
I had tried for 46 years to limit and control myself. For 46 years I had accepted and mimicked what other people did, believed and taught I should do. EVEN THOUGH NONE OF THEM ACTUALLY WAS *ME*!! Even though none of them actually had MY beliefs about life, love and reality. So why mimic them in the most crucial part of living - being me - when their beliefs wasn't even c l o s e to mine?
To be honest - it never even worked that well
The result was overwhelmingly negative. I was depressed, frustrated and overall experiencing such PAIN in my life as I found myself guilty, shameful and lacking in every part of life. So for ALL the energy I put into trying to shape, mold and FIX my darn self?! The result was absolutely crushing. Sure! I could behave! I knew exactly what to dress up as, express and radiate. I knew precisely what was expected of me, what to say, which expectations to meet and have. I knew how to take care of others and how to sacrifice my own needs, wishes and preferences.
And OH, I knew only too well about duty, chores, principles and morality. The thing that makes us tick collectively; the thing that makes us FEEL GOOD en masse; JUDGING OTHERS THAT DIDN'T DO, FEEL AND THINK THE SAME WAY AS WE DID, AND TRYING TO MAKE THEM SEE THAT THEY DID WRONG AND MAKE THEM INTO THE LIKENESS OF US! (the ambition of every organized religion, in my opinion) I was an expert. Fluent in every bit of its language and action.
And it made me so darn tired.
It made me feel so completely depleted - body soul and spirit.
But I kept going like the faithful little soldier I was. I was after all a "GOOD GIRL!" Desiring to the point of crazy the approval and praise and LOVE of that very system that slowly and methodically created my descent into destruction. That system which created a standard IMPOSSIBLE to reach by its very nature and at the same time gave me "forgiveness and mercy" for being impossible, faulty by nature and sinful. Schizophrenia anyone?! There you go! Eat your portion like good girl and run along to complete your chores....
Until one day I realized with my fresh eyes on this system, that it wasn't my emotions, life or doings that was causing me pain. IT WAS JUDGING. It was judging every part of me as sinful and faulty and worthy of penalty that made me depressed and crushed me on a daily basis. I had been such a good student – I didn't need encouragement or further studies anymore. The judging was completely habitual. I was angry for having been mislead. For having been such a good student. For having accepted and devoured their misogynistic sovereignty. For letting myself be wrong about the truth about ME for so long. For having HAD TO GO this way. For an instant I felt completely lost.
Until – I met love
True love. Unconditional love. Not the kind that SAY it is but expect tons in exchange nevertheless. Nope, the kind that accepts you. The kind that has TRUST IN YOU TO FIND YOUR OWN WAY! The best kind. The only kind that matters. And it took me 46 years to find it and accept it. It was the love inside myself. My self-love. The only love that can make sense of what you are going through. That changes everything and expects nothing. The only love that creates true change. And this is where I have come to now. Realizing that I am divine. Feeling it. Not just hearing it. KNOWING it. Not just reading it. And seeing the puzzle suddenly turning right. Falling into place. Finding the piece that always was missing and that no life-puzzle can be complete without.
Because it never judges.
Because it lets you be who you are and relishes in the sight of you.
Sees you perfect.
And lets you stretch, grow and use your wings.
And applauds and welcomes it all the way.
And you know what?
The pain is gone!
THE PAIN IS GONE!
I can't describe it. The lack of it. The peace and calmness in it. The LIFE there is without that pain! It makes me feel completely powerful. Makes me feel that now I can do anything – and that I WILL!
And in a way I understand why the system tries to hide this truth from you; because if you find it?
You never put up with bullshit again.
And you are completely bulletproof.